I have been struggling with imposter syndrome all my life. I discuss the factors that were the basis of my imposter syndrome in The Common Factor of Failed Relationships, but for a different impact.
As I mentioned in my previous post, the core for me was:
- One parent left.
- The other was critical.
I had challenges forming friendships growing up. I was a chubby kid–picked last for teams. I wasn’t cool, fashionable, rich, or eloquent. I learned at a young age that most people were more interested in telling their stories than listening to mine. So I listened.
I also didn’t have someone to talk to about how I was feeling. I was afraid of people. I was feeling so many emotions that I couldn’t hope to untangle and address them, so I suppressed my emotions.
School was my refuge. I received positive feedback for my efforts, and I couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, if I did well enough, I’d get that positive feedback from my parents I so desperately craved.
But I didn’t, so I kept pushing myself. I went down the same path I had resented my parents doing growing up, investing myself in work to get that recognition. I bent over backwards in relationships, conceding to what my partner wanted because I was afraid to lose the relationship until the relationship was intolerable.
My last long-term relationship nearly broke me. My ex was disturbingly effective at pressing these buttons—far better than the parent in question. If it wasn’t for the tools I had picked up, circumstances now would be radically different.
Those tools were (from therapists and podcasts):
- When experiencing emotions, go slow and be curious. Examine what you are feeling and why.
- Distance yourself from your emotions. Going from ‘I am lonely’ to ‘I am feeling alone’ is subtle but makes a difference.
- Feed those learnings from cognitive behaviour therapy to work through them and check whether they are valid.
I had some novel tools at my disposal that I didn’t have as a teenager. It wasn’t uncommon at work to get tossed into a problem I didn’t have a preexisting background in, and I would have to learn about the nature of the problem, go spelunking through code and/or crash dumps, and then fix the issue.
My debugging skills had a secondary application, and I applied them to myself.
In addition, the Internet had many resources I could use to dig further, which wasn’t available to 14-year-old me.
I have made huge strides in remedying this. I can happily acknowledge that I have done some amazing cool stuff with absolutely amazing people!
There are two major steps (that I am aware of) left.
I am working on changing my values, particularly with respect to work. This is exacerbated by having been laid off on March 13th, 2024. Before, I felt compelled to push myself to do everything (I also had difficulty saying no). Now, I want to be more effective at solving the problems that make the biggest difference.
My model of people is wrong. Growing up, my view of everyone was based on not feeling I was good enough. I felt ashamed, judged, and insecure. More importantly, my mind became very good at remembering events that confirmed these beliefs and biases more than those that disagreed. I now see how this is warping my perception of everyone.
Everyone.
Lifting the yoke I’ve worn for so long feels great. I now need to address old habits and build some new skills. However, if there is anything I have learned, it is how much I can grow and change.
