This is the amount outstanding to my lawyer as of today, along with a request for a $20,000 retainer. Combined with the $58,982.06 I have already spent on legal fees, that totals $86,600.93.

This doesn’t include the other incidental costs I have incurred, such as lost work.

I have been separated for the past two and a half years. It has been a fight most of the way.

We are still fighting. I’m… struggling to keep going and make ends meet with the amount of debt I have accumulated. The emotional harm of this is process is ruining my outlook on people and life. It is killing my hope.

I have been paying as I go and may not be able to any longer.

These are my recommendations to you if you are going through a divorce or planning to.

I will update this as I get feedback and questions about it (though I won’t get into any personal details).

Quick Summary

We have three kids. They are amazing. I had been married since August 26th, 2001.

On July 25th, 2016, I told my then spouse I wanted a divorce.

The reasons why aren’t material to the information you need to help you.

Notes About Divorce

• In Canada/Ontario, you are required to be separated for one year before getting a divorce. You can be separated and living together in the same house, however things get complicated.
• The CRA handles divorce differently than the law and you can be classified differently between the two.

Terminology

• Separated: The one year (or more) before a divorce is finalized.
• Mediator: Someone who ought to be neutral between parties to help them work out difference.
• Section 7 Expenses: These are a collection of expenses that can be incurred by either party, such as swimming lessons, classes, etc for children. Each parent is required to pay their share of these expenses proportional to their income.
• Custody: This is the right to make decisions about the children’s school, religion, and health care. (Not access, see below).
• Access: When one parent has primary custody, this is the right for the other parent and child(ren) to spend time together.
• CRA: Canada Revenue Agency
• OCL: Office of the Children’s Lawyer

My Recommendations

Use a Mediator

• Why?
  • It is substantially cheaper and faster.
  • Less traumatizing if you have kids.
• Don’t use a friend as a mediator. This was our mistake. Friends will pick sides (and then they are no longer friends with one side).
• There are professionals in family law that can help you. Get someone neutral.

Separate Accounts

• Why?
  • Shared accounts generally don’t track who spends and both parties are responsible for debts incurred.
  • You need to start working out of your own accounts, start as soon as possible.

Gather Documents

• Every scrap of information is important during the process and factors in.
• Here is my list:
  • All records related to financials on the date of marriage (including debts).
  • Each party is entitled to monies relative to what they had on the date of marriage and factors into the equalization payment.
  • Account balances and financial statements on the date of separation.
  • Tax assessments, for the year prior and for each year as the divorce process proceeds, including assessments.
  • Receipts, for everything. In particular if they are related to Section 7 Expenses for children.
  • Any money transfers between yourself and ex that occur during the period of separation.
  • Pay stubs, if relevant–this is used to prove income. Other forms may be required.
  • Emails: Any claims made by either side. Dialogs, etc.

Talk to a Psychologist

• Why?
  • Getting divorced is emotionally wrenching. So are all of the factors that led up to it. You and they are going to be raw.
  • Get started now on addressing how it has affected you so you can move on to new relationships with a clear mind.
• Talk to a psychologist, work on what you are feeling. Address what you are going through.
• If you have other issues, whether anger, addiction, depression, anxiety, or anything else, you can work on addressing them because divorce makes everything worse.
  • They are buttons for your ex to press, get tools so you won’t be exploited.
  • They can work against you if you do go through lawyers and court. Getting help demonstrates effort to be better.
  • These same tools will help you with not losing control, and extend to other aspects of your life.
• The other party may lie in court documents.
  • I have been doing some research about this and it turns out that that there is a concept called “Absolute Privilege” that applies to claims in legal proceedings.
  • It is really hard to step away from responding to the attacks and focus instead on solving the problem: getting the divorce.
  • You will need really tough skin for this and let these slide off like butter on hot teflon.
• The psychologist I worked with focussed on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. It really helped make a difference understanding what was driving me and how to refocus that energy more effectively.

Don’t Leave

UNLESS IT IS DANGEROUS! If it is take the children too!

• Why?
  • If custody is one of your battles and you want 50/50, leaving opens up a world of the other person being the primary caregiver and puts 50/50 at risk.
  • It demonstrates you are willing to make the effort and suffer the pain of being around your ex for the sake of the children. (And it is excruciating.)
• This will cause problems in other areas however:
  • If the divorce cannot be resolved quickly then financials can get really complicated to figure out how to separate everything.
  • The Canada Revenue Agency will fuck you if it takes more than a two tax years to resolve. The reason why is to maintain the ‘separated’ classification in tax law you need to be ‘Separate and Apart’ and living in the same domicile does not qualify. This will result in the CRA reassessing both parties. I have been fighting this and failing. There are serious problems about the CRA being invested in knowing who you are and are not in an intimate relationship with for tax law.

The OCL

• Why?
  • If custody is an issue for children (or even access), the Office of the Children’s Lawyer can appoint a lawyer to represent the children.
  • They will interview the children and observe how each parent spends time with the children.
• This is really important: They represent the child(ren)’s view. So while you may be fantastic with the children, if it looks like you are with the children more than 50/50 then the children may see it as not having as much time with the other parent.
• They can be a voice of reason between the conflict (on the premise you care about your children and what they think). Listen to them as they represent who you are fighting for.

Be Honest

• Start with yourself. If you have issues to work on, admit it and work on them and get help to do so. Talk to friends to get a recommendation for a psychologist. Or talk to your doctor or search one out online. Invest in your self for your children and your next partner(s).
• With mediators and lawyers. Lying or fabrications will result in them no longer representing you. Their professional integrity is on the line (and so is yours as a parent).
• In legal documents. If for any reason it were to go public, that would reflect on you (I have a burning desire to publish everything from this conflict which would more clearly illustrate this).
  • This means reviewing all of the legal documents that go out so you understand what they are claiming!

Technology

There are a number of technologies that can really help manage what needs to be done.

• The most important thing to make technology work for you is to store as much as possible digitally. Scan or take photos of any documents (do not modify them!!).
• Organize your files by type (Letters, Financial, Section 7 Expenses, Tax Information, Emails & Message Exchanges, Receipts, Invoices, etc).
• Put the date at the beginning of all files in ISO format. This is yyyy-mm-dd (using zeroes if necessary). This means all of your files are sorted by date making searches faster. Lawyers don’t do this with the files they send so you may need to change the names of files to be able to find them by date.

Example:

2018-07-12 DivorceMate – Child and Spousal 2017 Incomes.pdf

• Save all files from emails into your folders.
• Use a backup system! I use BackBlaze as I can retrieve files from anywhere in the world without needing my PC.
• I also use Dropbox (you can use something similar such as Google Drive, OneDrive, etc) to share the files across all my PCs so they are always available if a question comes up.
• I use Trello for tracking things I need to do and when they are due.
• While I use Excel, any spreadsheet software will do. I track all the financial calculations (particularly since I’m trying to buy my ex out of her share of the matrimonial home).
• I also use Excel to take all the itemized receipts from my lawyers (including both number of hours worked and total charged) and put them in Excel to double check the numbers and ensure that I’m being charged the right rate. I have caught errors this way and saved myself a substantial amount of money because of it.
• My lawyer (and I suspect a lot do) use Word for their documents. This is really handy as you can change the mode of the Word document to “Preview with Markup” and “Track Changes” to make recommended changes to the document along with putting comments in.