Growing up, I believed that people were generally good and were trying to do good. It wasn’t hard to have that belief when the world seemed to be getting progressively better (and generally, it is).

So, when people I thought were good criticized me as I grew up, I concluded that something was wrong with me (see Imposter Syndrome).

One of the consequences of my last significant relationship was dropping the belief that people were good. It simplified expectations for so many others in my life.

During the summer, a friend challenged my belief, as they believe that people are generally good. I wasn’t convinced. It would explain the general improvement in society, but it isn’t the only explanation.

Instead, during a Brene Brown podcast, I heard, ‘People are doing the best they can.’ While I am not into her religious convictions, this was much more interesting (and compelling).

I won’t use the God argument she relies on. I don’t think it is necessary. I’ve broken it down into parts to better understand others and myself.

The idea and impact of people trying their best are well expressed in The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos: Simple Ways to Feel Great Every Day – with Dr Rangan Chatterjee.

Capability

A person only has the knowledge, skills, tools, and resources to live their lives. They cannot if they don’t know how to do better or figure out how to do better than what they are doing. Even if you were to provide them, directly, the knowledge of how to do better, that could trigger the feeling of judgement, shame, and the recognition that what they have done before is worse (which can be too painful to acknowledge). Those feelings may be enough to crush any attempt to use something better. Without insight into their experiences and why they feel like they do, attribution errors such as stupidity or malice can follow.

Obligation

These are the duties a person is accountable for. This includes personal obligations and what we think the obligations of others are.

Entitlement

A person has beliefs about what they are entitled to have and what they are entitled to do. If you are trying the best you can, it is justified to acquire what you are entitled to have and do what you are entitled to do. This includes what you are entitled to do when boundaries are crossed, expectations are unfulfilled, or how to hold others accountable.

This framework provides a vocabulary for reflecting on my past and working through my perceptions of others. I have also been revising what I am entitled to and what my obligations are to be healthier and setting corresponding boundaries.